Why calaf (fate) is the scapegoat of Somali marriages

As a woman, I would go for a man who’s more like-minded than one who has differences that supersede the similarities we both have’  writes Asiya Mohamed as she brings into focus the rejections and the scapegoats of Somali marriages.

It has no colour, timeline, weight or meaning. No one has empirically confirmed its existence or relevance. But it is pervasive, comes in all vernaculars and cool hearts, soothes raging minds. It is called Calaf (Somali word for fate). It is the most tolerated scapegoat in the Somali peninsula.

“He was made for me. This was Allah’s choice and fate/destiny’s choice for me” is a common statement among many married Somalis.

It’s an early morning and Faraax is up and about already off to work, Kalthum seated in the kitchen cooking Anjera, a Somali pancake on the stove, the kids around her waiting on the food before they go to school. It’s been 8 years since they took their vows to protect, love and help each other out.

Faraax was the only guy Kalthum saw as the man who will marry her, he was the elusive calaf that she had been looking and searching for all of her 22 years in life. She had other suitors, but something was missing, if it wasn’t the man’s capabilities as a provider, it was the height, the material aspect or even how his nose looked. Calaf was what tied Kalthum to Faraax.

“It’s all already written, we can’t escape it”, she says, looking like someone who means that in every sense of the word. “You mean, Allah’s Will”, I say. “No macaney, its Destiny or its fate and the Almighty’s work”, she insists.

Faraax has had “Calafs” and will continue having calaf as long as he is alive. What Kalthum doesn’t get is Calaf is in a shape of a woman for Faraax. Any woman for that matter that will agree to be married to him.

Kalthum just happened to be his 3^rd calaf and has already married the 4^th one. Faraax has had the opportunities to explore what Calaf means to him. It meant he should try every single time and claim it was calaf.

His first divorce was because Calaf wasn’t there, Second wife, the Calaf was doable but it needed another aspect. When he married Cudbi, four years after Kalthum made him swear in the name of Allah holding the Quran that he will not marry again, it was not betrayal nor was it the result of an animalistic behavior that makes him sleep with whoever he desires under nuptial pretentions. It was calaf!

Calaf has been a scapegoat we all have had the chance to use, it is a word that expiates infidelity, doublespeak, scheming and opportunism. It is a very important word, one that lessens the pain of rejection and the guilt of unfaithfulness.

Calaf made us break relations with suitors, Calaf has caused divorcees, and Calaf has even separated families. What I can’t seem to understand in the given Will and Destiny undertaking, is did we forget God Almighty helps to ensure things work smoothly once we ask Him to do so.

Calaf has nothing to do with all of the above. Let us tackle these issues like any other problem we would have, with the known factor, common sense and knowledge borrowed. Calaf doesn’t make you break relations with your suitors, you do. You look at your compatibility, how you relate to each other, your wavelengths in terms of the present and the future. You don’t match on any of these terms, then you don’t have anything in common.

We are humans, we tend to look for similarities and differences as a base on how we can relate to another person, we find more pros, as in the similarities, we will be comfortable being around that person, but when the cons, which would be the differences,  we then tend to shy away from associating with this person.

As a woman, I would go for a man who’s more like-minded than one who has differences that supersede the similarities we both have. So calaf can’t be the cause for the breaking off the relations and in the process, the words that we use as Somalis are: “Hadaan calaf isku leenahay, waan is helaynaa”

Divorces are rampant nowadays and like we have developed a word, a cover-up word, which has been long used and is still used, which is, “calaf ayaanaan isku lahayn”.  It’s like saying destiny has an expiry date, which does not even make sense.

Calaf doesn’t cause a divorce. It’s a word used to justify how two people who never had anything in common were allowed to live in a space due to family pressure, the urge to settle or even lesser knowledge of what the marriage institution held.

A divorce isn’t an option because it causes a rift that were not even supposed to happen in the first place. If Calaf has an expiry date, why shouldn’t it be sold and the buyer told, this has a guarantee of six months to two years, and after that, it’s done. It’s should be explained to the owners of the said word.

A divorce happens due to the differences between the married couple, it happens because of incompatibility and a sense of misunderstanding, it happens because the young people think a wedding and a marriage is one and the same thing, another word for that is irreconcilable differences, ha!. Divorce happens because families drift apart, divorce happens because of jealousy, lack of communication and because women and men are both stingy with their emotions.

Calaf doesn’t come packaged in a human’s body, it doesn’t make two people dislike living together, doesn’t allow hatred and misunderstanding to fester, humans do that. Calaf doesn’t have a way of communicating and making a marriage that’s doomed to fail work. Calaf doesn’t make two incompatible people compatible. Calaf is just a word, and it should be taken as a word, that it is.

Meeting a suitor, takes an opportunity, talking and getting to know each other is an effort from the both of you, agreeing on getting married or marrying is an understanding and living together is a compromise, you both are undertaking. Excluding Calaf, ensuring that the fear of the Lord, belief in His Will, Communication, respect and honesty creates an environment that festers individual growth and vulnerability to both of you, and ensuring your lives together as a couple who live amongst a society that takes a word for the Will of God, is actually an up vote.

Allah’s Will is something we believe in, but saying Calaf is the Almighty’s Will, I don’t know. But what I know is God ensures He helps you along the way, if you are more than willing to help yourself. It’s a meet me halfway relationship with your Creator. Can Calaf be the reason some marriages work and others don’t? You believe in the Almighty, He ensures your doings run smoothly. Can Calaf maybe mean “Kismet”?? Well I went and checked the meaning of Kismet. Still means Fate or Destiny.

Germany missing out on the world cup, which probably means it was South Korea’s Calaf to oust them? Messi missing a penalty, not scoring any goals? Ronaldo missing it too? All those shots missed by Nigeria? I am in awe. Calaf is even bigger than I thought.

At any rate, I doubt if I could go much further with this discussion because, in the end, when I am lost for a proper explanation for all the illogical reasons connected to this topic, I’ll only end up saying naga daaya waa iska calaf.

Asiya Mohammed is a Marketer by profession, she is always a writer at heart incapable of pitching and writing something which she doesn’t wholeheartedly believe in. She is a reader of books, an aficionado. She can be contacted via email:  asiya.mohammedal@gmail.com. Click here to follow her on facebook.