By Abdullahi Jamaa
When they scale up the ladder of career many mature boys and girls hope to marry and settle down. Enthusiastic about a promising future while oblivious about the suffocation of marriage, many times they dwell on delusions and inflated expectations in contrast to conditions of Muslim marriage.
Nowadays, the primary objectives of marriage rarely revolve around the growth of a healthy family as it used to be in old golden days. In the current effete generation, much emphasis is made to achieving higher scores of love shifting the focus of life from a congruent family to isolation and psychological distancing.
In our contemporary Muslim community, couples are looking at marriage from different angles. For instance, there is a widespread bellyache that the expectations of many ladies when it comes to the sanctuary of marriage cannot be met by many young men. A long list of demands that starts with a colorful wedding ceremony overshadows the beginning of a great family.
When expectations in marriage stem from a point of material acquisitions coupled with wild imaginations, marriage becomes an abode of hell with seething anger and endless frustrations. When a lady who was hopeful about living in a palatial home, driving the latest car, and crisscrossing the continents of the world fails to achieve these dreams, resentments germinate and seeds of discord start sprouting.
Of course, not all women have wild expectations from their men counterparts, and in reality, this lot is a precious gem. The overwhelming majority of the current generation are caught up in the ambivalence of worldly temptations which are an affront to fundamental Islamic conditions of marriage.
Divorce is now an epidemic, single motherhood a new fashion in our culture and the story of many women begins and ends with dashed hopes. Marital discord is on the rise while domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape are all increasing at an alarming rate. This is a powerful indication of a society that is strangling its future.
A global survey published in 2018 which looked at the changes in rates of divorce from 1970 to 2008 indicated that the prevalence of divorce around the world more than doubled from 2.6 divorces for every 1000 married people to 5.5.
The last four decades have seen a sharp rise in disintegrations of families resulting from a marital standoff between couples who have different expectations. This is a symptom of a larger societal decay at epidemic proportions. The transformation of the institution of marriage for the next generations is a story for another day.
Backbone of homes
While men have their own wild expectations, ladies who should be the backbone of homes are starting their lives on a wrong footing. There is a growing and worrying trend where little investment is made to understand the purpose and objectives of a Muslim marriage. The increasing requirement for a romantic and wealthy man signifies an impotent manifestation of escalating family failures.
Beyond the ensuing love and bedroom stories is a true real-life of continuity. When post-wedding fantasies and euphoria end a few months or years later all unrealistic expectations will fade away. This an important period that determines who really transforms into a homemaker or a destroyer.
Indeed, the genuine complaints against dwindling intimacy among couples exist, and the fact that many men absconded this important marriage assignment is an issue that cannot be ignored. However, expectations based on the romantic ability of men is just one knot of the robe of marriage.
For ladies willing to settle down permanently and happily, it is an unavoidable priority to review marriage expectations many times before the wedding day because most of the time when marriage fails, women bear the brunt of divorce. Many end up as victims of marriage, toiling for livelihoods and raising children alone.
Social decay
Muslim marriages have to contend with increasing challenges in remaining true to fundamental tenets of Islam. Although the blame game is many times lowered onto the shoulders of women and girls, the problems we face today are generally an amalgamation of social degeneration that has spread like ravaging cancer throughout all facets of our community.
In Islam, the family plays a key role in shaping and forming a healthy Ummah. It underlines the basis of communal success or failure. Arguably, the current mess can be attributed to the diminishing role of the family within Muslim communities. Young girls are missing the right support and coaching necessary to advance to the next yet important level of their lives.
Islamic parenting is fraying at the edges, mothers and fathers are getting too busy to build a conscientious family. Most of the time communication which is an important tool for a healthy and productive family is too little or non-existent at all in some extreme cases.
With the absence of proper parental care, young girls are turning to bad role models within the society picking up pieces of broken life from their peers. Because of their busy nature of modern life, many parents do not understand the affairs of their children. A lot is happening in the background in a world where girls are vulnerable to abuse.
But also the proliferation of commercial soap operas is seemingly the last straw that hits the camel’s back. From television screens in our sittings rooms to mobile gadgets on the go, teenagers are brainwashed through endless series about love and romance. Sadly, many of these movies are about failed life stories and beleaguered families.
This occasioned the regression of large groups of our community into independent care-free individuals with a bigoted understanding of what Muslim marriage stands for. This translated into expectations that often end up collapsing the entire life of an individual.
READ ALSO: Wrong ways men approach Muslim marriage
The big setback in Muslim marriages today stems from a lack of adequate Islamic knowledge. Many couples do not understand their own rights and the rights of their partners and family members. Beyond obligatory ibadaat of fasting and praying, the pristine Islamic culture about marriage is barely understood.
What is a Muslim’s marriage all about? What is halal and what is haram? And what do you know about Islamic marriage contract? As a concerned Muslim, these questions need honest answers before one blindly gets into a marital engagement.
Marriage in Islam is not a social function but a religious one done for the pleasure of Allah. Going into a sacred function of this monumental significance with an endless list of worldly wishes is tantamount to worshipping desires while abandoning the laws of Allah.
Many young Muslims are dissolved in the cauldron of westernization in search of elusive expectations. It cannot be a mere fluke that the decline and collapse of marriages have been accompanied by a rise in prostitution, pornography homosexuality, child sexual abuse, and the danger of rape.
There is an urgent need for a positive attitude in taking marriage seriously as a permanent investment. Take it away from the world of invigorated feminists and misogynists, take it away from personal rapacity and desires, for marriage is delicate and it cannot survive on deceit and arm-twisting. It requires a perfect balance and unshakable link of love, care, and responsibility.
If one looks at marriage from only the sides of love, romance and wealth, one loses the bigger picture which is more important. And the bigger picture is all about aligning your worldly and religious interests with greater emphasis on the next life.
Abdullahi jamaa is a Muslim writer|journalist. The founder of www.smartmuslim.co.ke an online magazine for professional Muslims. Twitter: @abdullahijamaa
