By Sahara A.Sheikh
Sincere intention ‘Niyaah’ is the backbone of faith in Islam. All our good deeds however big or small, whether for worldly or for hereafter will be judged based on our intentions. What is your real intention when you are taking a specific action? For instance, when giving out ‘sadaqa’, are you giving out for showoff, or are you genuinely trying to help the needy?
Likewise, when it comes to a healthy Muslim marriage sincere intention tightens the bolts and nuts of prosperous families and homes. Despite clear Islamic guidelines, the major question that many people, more so men, forget to ask themselves is why they are getting married?
While there are many good reasons as to why men do marry: to complete half of their deen and to have a family among many other reasons; there are also arguably some wrong reasons as to why men seek marriage. This article, based on my own views and observations will focus on three of the wrong reasons as to why some men marry.
One of the major reasons that I have heard from close male family members as to why they want to marry is because their friends are married. To me, this reason is absurd. I understand human nature and desire to achieve the good that your friends have achieved. Nonetheless, what many men forget is that just because your friend is married, doesn’t necessarily mean they are doing better.
I have come to learn over time that there is a sense of competition among men that just cannot be ridden until they are considered the ‘winners’. By who you ask? By their fellow men, I dare say. I am an ardent believer that people should do things because they want to do it and not because others are doing.
Let’s say you marry because your friend is married. The next thing you will want is for your marriage life to be similar to that of the person you look up to because they most likely portrayed this amazing image of marriage. What if that friend divorces his wife? Will you do the same? What if they are wealthy and can live a comfortable life but you are unable to do so because of financial constraints?
The desire to be what someone else is will lead to unhealthy competition, enmity, and even in a worst-case depression. As the old adage goes, marriage is not a bed of roses, my advice would be to marry for the right reasons and not because your friends are getting married. Marrying because your friends do, to me, is absolutely a very wrong reason.
Wrong notion
Secondly, there are some men who marry with the notion that their wives will treat them like their mother. I know what you are thinking but hear me out. When I say they expect the wife to be like the mother, I am referring to all the duties that all our mothers did for us when we were young. They marry so that they can have their personal duties be taken care of.
I attribute this problem to how we were brought up. In most households and as the case in many African cultures, especially in Muslim households, it is the females who were taught to do everything while the male child just had to eat, relax and sleep. Their life was easy because they woke up in the morning to find freshly made breakfast by their mother or sisters, their laundry-including their boxers- organized, and the house clean.
What they missed is how all this was done and how much work it takes for the chores to be completed. Growing up knowing this, when men marry, they expect every day to be like this. Unfortunately, reality hits them so hard that they don’t know what to do. Many times, we tend to marry the opposite of who we are.
Now, imagine, coming from an organized house to marry the woman you love but then realize she is nothing like your mother. She cannot cook, clean and she is nowhere near organized. This generally tends to bring conflict in the house and before the man comes to accept how she is, it becomes a whole a battle. While I attribute this problem to not only the man but also the parent for raising their kids that way, it is about time that we raise better kids and teach our children, more so, the males how to be responsible for themselves.
The men should be taught that there is no nothing wrong with helping with house chores and it does not make them less of men by helping their wives. As was narrated in Sahih Bukhari that once the mother of believers Aisha (R.A) was asked: “What did the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) do in his house?” She replied: “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it.” She later expounded on this and even gave examples. For instance, Aisha (R.A) stated that “He did what one of you would do in his house. He mended sandals and patched garments and sewed.”
If the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) can do household chores, then I believe men should do the same following the pristine culture of Islam. That way, when they are ready to settle and get married, they know what to expect in a Muslim marriage. And if you are thinking, well she can just hire a maid to do the chores, think again. You will not always have a maid and I don’t know about you, but I am not comfortable with maids cooking for my kids. Because we all know how bad of a person a maid can turn out to be. So, men, please know that your wife will most probably not have your mother’s behavior and she might be nowhere near her in terms of what she does.
Sexual pleasures
The third wrong reason men marry is just and only for sexual gratification. Wait, What? I thought that is why in Islam we are advised to get married early? Yes, it is one of the reasons we are advised to marry. Marriage acts as a religious bridle that regulates our sexual desires to protect our chastity and honor. Nonetheless, sexual gratifications is not the only duty or rather the responsibility of a man in marriage.
There is more than just physical intimacy in an Islamic marriage. When men marry with only this bigoted thinking at the back of their minds, (you will be surprised how many men do that), they end up discontented because they learn that there is more to marriage than just erotic inclinations. They forget that their wives at different stages will be going through their periods, pregnancy, and breastfeeding and sometimes may not be able to enjoy themselves as much as the man would like. This leads to frustration in marriage and sometimes even failure just because of the wrong expectations that some men went into marriage with.
Finally, for men who are thinking of getting married, please do not marry just because your friends are married, do not marry thinking that your wife will be like your mother, and do not marry just thinking that marriage is all about sexual fantasies.
There is much more to marriage than just the three reasons I have stated above. There are many programs for Muslim brothers that offer guidance on how to go about seeking marriage and what to expect in marriage. There are Islamic pre-marriage counseling offered in masjids. Men can learn more before entering into marriage and be better partners to their spouses, better sons, and better fathers to their children. So, men, please, marry for the right reasons.
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Sahara A. Sheikh is a business management consultant, full-time mama to twin boys, and an ardent believer in being empathetic towards people. Follow her on Instagram @Zahra (z.a.s.y)
