By Sahara A. Sheikh
With statistics indicating an all-time high rate of divorce among Muslim couples, the question that begs to be answered is why? Why are Muslims, more so the youths, who are supposed to be the future embodiment of what Muslim marriage should look like divorcing at a high rate?
Previous research has shown various reasons that could be the contributing factor of disagreements and eventual “talaka” among Muslims. Little knowledge of deen, financial difficulty, lack of patience, and westernization are contributing factors that I will be addressing in this article.
Our religion clearly indicates the roles of husbands and wives. Allah says in the Quran, surah AnNisa, verse 34, Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.).
Essentially, the man is the provider and caretaker of his family while the woman supports and takes care of her husband, the children, properties, and is obedient to her husband within the religious domain. Despite this clear indication, it is unfortunate that many Muslim couples are unaware of this and do not take the time to educate themselves on the matters of religion causing discord among themselves.
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Religious illiteracy
Most couples emulate what they see around them. One of the many causes of an argument between couples stems from abuse. Physical abuse and mental abuse is one of the terrible things that could happen to anyone. Men, generally, tend to suffer from mental abuse from their wives. Though some do suffer physically, it is the mental abuse that is mostly reported on. In contrast, wives, are mostly the ones who suffer from physical abuse.
A justification used for physical abuse is the lack of obedience from the partner as was ‘ordained’ in the Qur’an. The argument being the Quran said to beat the wife if they disobey, which is a misunderstanding of what the verse stands for. This is a clear indication of incomprehension of the deen.
In the same verse of Surah An- Nisa; Allah says, “But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand”
Without understanding the true meaning of the verse, many spouses physically injure their partners which in turn culminates into family disagreement and eventually divorce.
Resorting to beating one’s wife should be the last thing as was explained in the Quran. Moreover, it should not leave a mark on the wife. As was described by most scholars, it should be like beating her with a handkerchief. Sadly, that is not the case as many Muslim couples have little knowledge of deen.
Yet in today’s world, a Muslim husband can harness ‘hikma’ through diplomacy and compromises. This can be done through sincere advice, understanding of situations and honest forgiveness. What is the point of physically attacking a mother of let us say, five kids? She needs care, support, understanding and forgiveness. That is what Islam stands for.
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Westernization
Westernization is also a big factor that is currently contributing to alarming divorce rates. While this ties hand in hand with Islamic religion illiteracy, it also branches further into how the so called influencers shape the minds of young Muslim couples. With glamorous weddings being the ultimate “it” factor, many Muslims are, for starters, pressured to marry big.
The idea of perfect weddings and marriage is imprinted on their mind and many Muslims, in this case mostly women, expect fairy tales. Secondly, the notion portrayed by the influencers is what many young Muslim couples want to emulate. They forget that we, as Muslims, are guided by the Quran and the sunnah of the prophet (PBUH).
As such, many married Muslims find themselves engaging in activities such as drinking, gambling, mixing with non-mahram on social events and this results in being disrespectful to each other. All these combined are reasons why couples are divorcing at a high rate. They follow the western world rather than our immaculate religious edict.
With westernization and the so called influencers portraying a posh lifestyle, the reality of the matter is that sometimes, they also experience financial difficulty. However, since they do not show it, many married Muslims expect a lavish lifestyle every single day of their lives. This leads to my third point of why divorce rates are high: financial struggle.
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Financial struggle
With the exception of a few elites, all humans experience financial difficulty at some point of their lives. Be it that they were fired from their job, their business collapsed or the economy crashed resulting in low sales and ultimately bankruptcy, financial struggle is inevitable.
This financial struggle creates one of the biggest hurdles in marriage. If the couple didn’t plan themselves accordingly, life adjustment has to be made in order to accommodate the new financial status. For instance, if the couple during their wealthy status time did not build a house and were living in a lavish rental, then they would most likely have to move to a different rental that would be within their budget.
Society wise, this is a drop in status. Many married couples cannot handle this and the blame game begins with one partner generally being more upset than the other. Then it begins an endless fight, mental exhaustion and eventually divorce because one partner, ( generally it is the woman in this case) cannot handle the financial struggle the husband is undergoing.
What the couples forget is that this is also a test from Allah. Should the couple exercise patience and believe in Allah, then most likely, they would overcome this difficulty. Muslim couples are required to be adaptable to any prevailing economic condition. We need to learn how to live out of our comfort zones.
In case we are hit hard by ensuing financial difficulties, we must learn how to manage expenditure with respect to our income. Every day is not the same, and conditions will never last. Protect your marriage, after all, we are advised in surah al Ma’arij 70:5; fasbir sabran jameela (so be patient with gracious patience)
Lack of patience
Life is but a fleeting moment and the dunya is not a resting place but rather a testing place. We will be tested in many aspects of our life including marriage and that is why we are taught in the Quran on the importance of patience.
Unfortunately, many married couples lack this virtue. A small argument ensues and the word divorce appears so many times. The divorce statement, ‘I will divorce you and marry another, or divorce me so that someone better can marry me’, has reached a point of no return. It is becoming more of a greeting in marriage these days.
Our wives are not angels, our husbands are not archangels either. As partners in the sanctity of marriage, we are required to practice empathy, support each other, complement and supplement each other’s strength.
No one is perfect. Apart from the major arguments, normally, the word divorce should not even be mentioned among couples. We are lacking patience and do not want to be inconvenienced even in the least bit. We forget that Allah loves the patient; wallahu yuhibu sabirin (Quran 3:146); and Allah is with the patient: Innallaha ma Assabireen (quran 8:46)
To summarize, several factors do contribute to the high divorce rate among Muslim couples. With the four factors mentioned above being some of the reasons why this is so, it is imperative that we learn our deen. It is vital that we seek to understand it deeper on aspects of marriage as this where we are failing as Muslims.
Our religion is perfect but we are not. That is why we should learn and relearn every day. Let’s learn to practice patience, avoid the social media influence, learn to how to financially organize ourselves and the most important of all, practise what our deen teaches us. With this, we can try and lower the divorce rate and avoid the single parenthood dilemma that is spreading like a wildfire.
Sahara A. Sheikh is a business management consultant, full-time mama to twin boys, and an ardent believer in being empathetic towards people. Follow her on Instagram @Zahra (z.a.s.y)
