9 ways to transform your wife to be a homemade economist (Influence)

By Abdullahi Jamaa
During a community development workshop in Mombasa, we were told that when and if we want to influence people we need to use our EQ, not our IQ. It means that we have to sympathize with and become emotionally attached to the situation of the person you would like to change. It means that we need to feel mercy about them without having to logically conclude the negativity that emanates from our poor judgment.

Many people would start with negative criticism, psychologically evoking some deeply rooted emotions of the person they would wish to influence. They start with mentioning all the bad habits, missed opportunities and how a disturbing future looms large. This is all wrong, that is what we were told.

Understanding and appreciating the habits of people we like to influence for change is a key point to note. The fact is that we all have bad habits, it doesn’t matter how big or small they are. We need to appreciate their personality first and then understand the origin of their bad habits. The mantra ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ is a rule of thumb that comes in handy.

We may have missed a lot of opportunities through attacking personality of people right on their faces in the pretext of transforming them. This psychological inefficiency from the part of change markers is an insensitive and an embarrassing way to deal with a situation that otherwise requires wisdom and ingenuity.

Our inefficiency in using our EQ to help drop bad habits of family members and friends partly explains ever-increasing number of individuals with psychosocial problems within our communities. We have failed to address the problem of chain-smoking, the irate black sheep in our families, the khat menace and the headless rascal amongst us because of failing to understand their challenges.

We have grown to be a society of massive insensitivity that dwells on dreams and miracles to chart a roadmap for social, political and economic reforms.  Our social fabrics are decaying at the edges, our communal existence is fraying too while our families the backbone of our society is cracking right from the center.

So you may ask what the way forward is?  How can you change your brother who has been smoking for years? Or how can you transform your wife from being a shopping addict to a homemade economist? Yes, that is possible. It’s gonna be hard but it doesn’t mean impossible. Here is a list of nine powerful ways drawn from the letters of the magic word INFLUENCE.

1. Intimacy

Before anything else, grow and create an impactful lasting relationship with the person you would like to change. Building relations with them will help in tackling their bad habits. This means making time for them, connecting with them and regularly creating a close space for them. This approach will enhance trust and mutual understanding making the victim of bad habits to speak out with assurance and satisfaction.

2. Negotiate

In instigating a reform you need to master the art of negotiation. You need to discuss issues amicably and reasonably until you reach a deserving agreement. Don’t insist rather persuade for a win-win situation. Through negotiation, the person on the other end will appreciate your efforts and hence realize the need for urgent reforms.

3. Focus

Remain on top of the matter throughout the process of change. Focus sharply on your target and don’t deviate from your desire to transform an important person in the community or within your family. Who knows maybe that person will be Imam Nabawi of our time.

4. Learn

Learn from their own mistake. The golden answer lies in listening to their internal voice. This will give you an opportunity to get more facts and information that can open a window of opportunity for change. Through learning, you will surely get a perfect remedy to protect a person from devastation.

5. Unleash

Make the person feel how important he/she is .unleash the potential for success. Talk about the strong personality and how a bright future awaits only if and when he/she abandons these bad habits. Tell them that the greatness, the prowess and the influence that the community needs are all found in him/her.

6. Engage

Maintain the momentum and engage the person regularly. The roadmap for change should follow a step-by-step action plan laden with ambitious options. If one plan fails, an immediate fallback mechanism should be in place to continue engaging the person with or without success at initial stages.

7. Never be negative 

Never be negative, instead persuade with a positive attitude. Negativity may shut down your ambitions for change. Always be positive and wise to the purpose and person you hope to change.  They say “Life becomes easier and more beautiful when we can see the good in other people.”

8. Consistency

Be consistent and never give up. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you only need to take calculated steps. They say the harder you work for something, the greater you will feel when you will achieve it. Maintain consistency.

9. Empower

Give the victim of bad habits beautiful doses of mental and spiritual nourishment. Empower them for change including giving them psychosocial support. Build their capacity and enhance their personality. Enrich them if possible with knowledge and skills. A random act of kindness, no matter how small, can make a tremendous impact on someone else’s life.” At the end, you will put a lasting smile on their faces.  Now, you too smile!