By Khamis Omar Mwinyikai
Recently while I was on Facebook, an invitation to a Muslim dating site popped up, avid with curiosity I clicked to visit the site, but before I was allowed to access the page I had to answer some questions.
The page had its rules, if anyone went against them he was to be removed. It connected Muslims around the globe with the aim of finding a partner.
In the dating platform, one is allowed to post about his relationship status and expectations from a would-be partner. One is also required to post a recent picture with a brief description of himself.
Once you find a virtual suitor you post a comment under the status and follow that with a string of private chats. People also post pictures randomly with enticing captions. What follows is a distance relationship that largely relies on online communication.
Does Islam recommend this and is this the road to a successful and healthy Muslim marriage. I pondered and asked myself a lot of questions about the spiritual, emotional and physical dangers of online dating.
Everything on this page is based on luck. Some have successfully gotten married, but most have been heartbroken. This is because you may start a relationship with a person who fakes his or her status to convince you. Soon everything that is based on fantasies and worldly desires will fade away, you may end up heartbroken forever.
Online dating is a product of western civilization where more often individuals engage in premarital relationships. It’s a hotspot for evil sexual behaviors that dent and taint the image of many youths in our community.
Many young Muslims today are victims of irreligious relationships which are modified to focus more on developing emotional intimacy. This lustful affection starts with a friendly hug or kiss, any may regrettably end in an evil bed.
Destructive sin
Premarital relationships are now out of control. Young boys and girls are changing mates like dress. It’s more common to find stories that begin with ‘her ex or his ex. Today, if you don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend you are referred to as an old-school person.
Dating as it is, currently contradicts fundamental tenets of Islamic marriage. Islam as a complete religion and a way of life is supportive of consensual but dignified engagement that leads to a lasting Muslim marriage.
Premarital relationship founded outside Islamic legal framework is not just a destructive sin but also against decency and common sense. In short, it’s prohibited as long as it leads to sexual and emotional intimacy.
It’s a sinful engagement, a deadly tendency that drains down the faith of a Muslim. But above and below religious restrictions, engaging in premarital relationships is cheap and deadly. Its cost on mental and physical health is huge, leading to a high level of stress.
Muslims are humans too and we are vulnerable to worldly temptations but this should not be an excuse to glorify retrogressive cultures popularized in television stations and social media networks.
Islam appreciates consent between parties and which leads to building a healthy Muslim marriage. There is a decent outline based on the teachings of the Qur’an and the traditions of the messenger of Allah (PBUH).
Nowadays the term halal dating is used to sugarcoat premarital relationships. Halal refers to something permissible within Islam. By adding halal on the term dating they just remove the premarital sex part allowing themselves to do the rest.
Most Muslims justify these relationships by saying their aim is to get married one day. But can we deny that many young Muslims have been in more than one premarital relationship in their lives?
Heartbreak after another and no one gets tired because Satan has taken over the minds of people and has modified Zina. Zina is not only about ejaculation, but the buildup too is Zina. Between two people of the opposite sex seated together the third is Satan.
Hypocrisy
One fact remains clear, most of these relationships are made out of hypocrisy. Fake promises are made to one another and in the end, wild expectations are generated. These expectations have misled people in the name of love. Is the word ‘I love you’ in these relationships even elaborated. Love for sexual desires or love for your eternal life; which one is important for you?
Most young people argue that these relationships should be allowed since one needs to know and understand the other party first. The most common arguments are that premarital relationships help young people socialize and deal with one another and that they help those who are considering marriage to have a close and personal intimate knowledge of their potential spouse.
They argue that in this current century one should know how to socialize with the opposite sex. This is a mere excuse to engage in haram dating. Knowing a person is not hard for someone who is honest to himself and to the other person.
But can we blame the current generation about believing that premarital relationships are the new norm? With the current world, most people are exposed to a lot of content that supports this kind of relationship.
Television shows, movies, friends, family members and social media have made most Muslims today believe in premarital relationships.
Most of the programs today are filled with romantic overtures and a natural expression of a man’s attraction towards a woman. So after watching and listening to the poetic words they go and try them out. After that one thing leads to another.
Why do you think today that most teenagers get pregnant and drop out of school? Why do you think we have a lot of single parents today? It’s because of the content people are exposed to. There are theories that people today consume a lot of things from the content they watch, read and listen from the media. You cannot plant a mango seed and reap an orange fruit.
Muslims today argue that being in a premarital relationship does not mean thinking about sex all the time. Is this even right? Some may defend themselves as best friends or the new name called ‘my BFF; best friend forever.’
Lower your gaze
In Islam, there is no outrage between a Muslimah and a Muslim male. But the question is ‘what is the common goal between the so-called BFFs? Between a female and a male who are not related by blood and very close friends, one will develop feelings for the other. The results are that the two either end-up together or hatred is build-up after a rejection.
In Islam, we are reminded again and again to lower our gaze. Allah directly instructs both the believing men and women to lower their gaze in the Quran.
“Tell the believing men to reduce (some) of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is acquainted with what they do.” Quran 24:30
And in the next verse Muslim women are addressed as follows:
“And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment……..” (Qur’an 24:31
Today, most people do the opposite. Men seldom lower their gaze and women don’t want to cover themselves. No youth today thinks of settling into marriage saying they have goals and dreams to achieve.
Scientifically when a person is mature and hormones in the body start rising, some desires cannot be avoided. So, when one avoids the right teachings on how to deal with these desires automatically these feelings will force you to other ways- satanic temptations.
These desires will always pre-occupy you even if you are not thinking about sex. The fact of the matter is, sexual desires become pronounced and you might have experienced mixed emotions, including confusion, guilt, and outright shame.
The messenger of Allah (PBUH) understood human development well. In a hadith narrated to us by `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud, (ra), the Prophet admonished young people.
“O young men! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e., his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.” (Al-Bukhari)
It’s time to turn towards the pristine Islamic culture and teaching. We should not build up excuses based on our worldly desires by engaging ourselves in premarital relationships. If we do this, we will be rebellious and disobedient to Allah.
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Khamis Omar Mwinyikai is a Muslim writer. Follow him on Facebook at Khamis Omar and on twitter at Khamis omar58.
