Mom: “No, for the tenth time, you can’t have those designer shoes that you don’t even need!”
Child: “But everyone has a pair! Do you want me to be the only one who doesn’t have them?”
Mom: “For the third time, please clean your room!”
Child: “Why? It’s gonna get messy again anyway!”
Does this sound familiar? Are you constantly dealing with a child who talks back and refuses to listen to you?
Well, to solve this problem, we need to understand what is back talk and how to deal with it?
There are different types of back talk. You may have a child who starts to delve into an explanation or justification as to why he is right or why he should be given what he wants when you’ve just told him he cannot have it. Leading on from this, you might have a child that wants to have the last word, where no matter what you say, he/she has a comeback. Your child may get angry easily or tends to give a sarcastic or snappy retort, thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to speak in this way.
A lot of back talk stems from what the child sees as normal from hearing his friends and peers, and even adult influences in his life. It can also stem from the media – movies, TV shows, or social media – cultures that are encouraging of this kind of communication. Whilst it is important to speak out against injustices, speaking back out of our own desires, especially to parents, is selfish and rude.
Our children have rights over us and we have rights over them. They deserve that we treat them with Ihsan (excellence), and Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) is also expecting them to treat us with Ihsan.
Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) says,
And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, [excellent treatment]. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. [Qur’an: Chapter 17, Verse 23]
We want our children to avoid falling into the sin of mistreating their parents. Also, if we helped them and facilitated for them having a healthy relationship with us, this will bring immense barakah (Divine Blessing) into their lives.
We need to remember also that if the habit of back-talk begins at home and is not dealt with, it can translate into other areas of life, like in school towards teachers, or in the workplace towards managers and colleagues. It is not a healthy way to deal with conflicts, can cause resentment and is a negative representation of the Muslim student/colleague.
So, in this article, we’ll look at what you can do when your child talks back, and what are some tips to prevent backtalk in the future and help your children towards having good akhlaq (mannerism).
How do I deal with the back talk from my child?
1. Stay Calm
When your child acts disrespectfully towards you, you might want to yell and scream back. But doing so will make the situation worse. You will end up in a screaming match, a power struggle, that we all know no one ever wins normally. Stay calm by seeking refuge with Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) from Shaytan, press your mental stop button and purse your lips to hold it closed. The rule of keeping silent unless you have something good to say applies here. Abu Huraira raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported that our beloved Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,
“Whoever believes in Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) and the Last Day, let him speak goodness or remain silent.” [Sahih Muslim]
Once you have calmed you are now ready and can then continue to these next steps…
2. Identify the nature of the back talk and respond
Try to identify: is your child justifying his actions or reasons why he should have something or does he just want to have the last word? Is your child being angry and rude or is he copying a behavior? How you respond next depends on the type of back talk.
If it is to justify: Acknowledge your child’s feelings or wants and restate the no: “I know that you really want to go to your friend’s but I’ve said no”. If he keeps responding then each time, empathize and repeat the no such as, “You’re upset that you can’t go but the answer is still no.” “It’s frustrating to not get what you want but no you can’t go.” After a while, your child will know that you won’t change your mind and will stop.
If it is about having the last word: Whatever you say here, your child will have a comeback. So it’s better not to encourage it by engaging with him. Answer your child with phrases such as “That’s nice”, “Uh ha”, “Okay”, “Good” in an uninteresting voice that discourages conversation. After a while, your child will realize that you’re on auto-pilot and will cease. After all, who wants to talk to someone who isn’t responding properly?
If it is an angry response or copied behavior: Acknowledge your child’s feelings or wants and explain the behavior that is not acceptable. Explain to your child that it’s alright to feel a certain way but it’s not alright to express it the way he did. Be clear on what he did that was not acceptable. For example, “It’s alright to feel upset but it’s not okay for you to yell and shout at me.” Or, “It’s natural that you want to fit in and do what everyone else is doing but it’s not right for you to copy being rude.” You can also ask peacefully if what he just did is a good behavior to copy.
3. Offer an alternative way
Show your child there is another way to act or react. If your child is shouting, then tell him to use his lower speaking voice. Help him to clearly state what he feels instead of yelling.
4. Try not to get drawn into an argument
Be a broken record and repeat what behavior is unacceptable and also repeat which behavior is correct. Walk away if you have to. Just remember that A’ishah raḍyAllāhu ‘anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) narrated that the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,
“The most hated person in the sight of Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He), is the most quarrelsome person.” [Sahih al Bukhari]
5. Remind the child of the rules and consequences
Just remind your child of the rules and consequences that you’ve set up earlier. For example, “In this house, we speak nicely to each other. If not then –“ or “Our rule is ‘to help each other’, if you don’t do your bit then –“.
6. Apply a consequence
If all the previous steps haven’t deterred your child, then it’s time to apply the set consequence. Be firm.
